It All Feels So Normal, But It’s Not

The past month has been a roller coaster of emotions. Actually, 2016 as a whole has been like that.

I noticed Toby’s swollen neck April 18, and he was diagnosed April 22. I’ve been trying to write weekly updates about our life, but last week – Week 5 – got a little derailed.

Friday morning, I was let go from my job. This was after a series of other events, like my car breaking down on a business trip, that have made everything feel like I’ve gotten dealt a temporarily bad hand of blackjack in Vegas.


What a mess. I struggle, because I know so many other people have it so much worse. Everyday people’s pets, husbands, wives, kids, parents, are diagnosed with cancer. And, just as many people likely get laid off from their jobs. While Toby’s prognosis is not great, there are protocols that can help him.

The thing that I think has been the most hard, about all of this, is that everything still seems so normal. My friend saw Toby on Saturday and commented how great, and “normal,” he looked. Looking at him you wouldn’t know anything was wrong.

Since I worked remotely, there hasn’t been a huge change in my routine. I get up, walk the dogs, make coffee, have breakfast and open my computer.

With Toby, it’s exactly what we want to happen. When I asked the oncologist about goals, he said we want someone to look at him and watch him and say, “wow, you would never know there was anything wrong with that dog.” In fact, not only has my friends and family who have seem him say that, but so did the oncologist the last time we were there.

As I previously wrote, this has been such a critical time for him. He is so sensitive to my emotions, I am sure everything that happened with my (former) job did nothing to help him. He was so glued to me. I knew I had to calm down for his benefit.

Speaking of all that, Friday he goes for his third of five chemo treatments. Please keep your fingers crossed. I can find a new job, but I cannot find a new Toby.



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