Ahhhh! I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since Toby’s last chemo treatment. It’s weird, because it seems like it was so long ago, but his first treatment feels like it was yesterday.
We have one more day – Aug. 1 – until he can start doing things again.
Yes, he has to ease into everything, because he will get tired fast, but I’m beyond excited that he will be able to go and do things again. A pretty active dog, I think he hates having to spend all his time inside, or at least at home.
Any of you who know me well, know that I dream big. And, this is no different. I have had a number of things I’ve always wanted to do with Toby, but thought I had 16 years, the average lifespan of his type of dog, to do them. Well, as always, the universe had a different plan for me.
I’m usually too afraid to take the leap and do something bold and risky. But, this time I just may. To give you a hint, it will be focused Toby’s legacy, and hopefully make a difference in the lives of children around the world. I’ve been wanting to do this forever, but Toby’s cancer diagnoses kind of kicked that plan into high gear. However, having been laid off in May – also not part of my plan, but again, that stupid universe thing – my plan for this project became slightly derailed, but I am still working on it and am determined to make it happen. It may take a little more time than I planned, but it will happen.
Toby’s had a really good life, and this project was my biggest regret when he got diagnosed. My regret was that I didn’t start it sooner.
Don’t worry, as soon as we are a bit further along, I will be sharing all the fun details with you!
For now, I just want to have fun with this little ball of fur. I find myself spending more time at home with him, just holding him and wanting to not be away from him.
My Dad’s friends were over Saturday and they were elated to see how well he was doing. One of them actually commented how she thought he would be lethargic and tired, and even comment, “wait, this dog is sick?”
That makes me so proud of the way his body responded to the treatments. One of the first things the oncologist said to me when we talked about goals, was that his goal was that someone would look at Toby and not even know he was sick.
I wrote this post Saturday evening while waiting for my dad and his friends to get back from visiting my mom. It was positive and uplifting and I had this great outlook on everything.
Truth be told, that’s not always the case. It’s almost 3 am and I’m sitting in bed with tears running down my eyes unable to sleep and panicking.
What if the Cancer comes back? What if I can’t ever find another job? What if Maddux gets sick? Am I giving him the right treatment? Is there more I can do?
I’m a freaking mess.
Almost every night I read the posts in a Facebook canine cancer support group that I belong to. I try to hit the heart, or love, emotion on every single one to show love and support for what the person is going through. And then I cry. And, cry and cry.
It’s all so unfair. The past year I was so happy. My life was going in a direction I wanted it, and now, everything is just a mess.
I wish I could pack up Toby and Maddux and just run away from it all. Start driving and not stop. Sometimes, I wonder why I even write this, or any of my websites, for that matter.